Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
