bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
You need Xanax blowdarts
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
