hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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