All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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