my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
