mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize