Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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