I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
