I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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