my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
