Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
These tits shall not be calmed
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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