I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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