if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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