What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
