two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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