So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
