So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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