Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
