i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
