God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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