She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
i out mim tonsoeep
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