meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I am spending my child support on dildos
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
