also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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