I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
