grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
