Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
