Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
