Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
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