how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
