My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Randomize
