Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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