I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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