If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
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