He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
