final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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