I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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