My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
