Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
