Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize
