You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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