either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
