the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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