her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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