I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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