you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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