Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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