I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
