Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
