he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
