Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
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