She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
