Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
