i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
