my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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