He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
