If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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