did you get engaged???
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
