Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
