My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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