bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
