i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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