he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
