your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
