Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
