What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
